Grief and Intense Feelings Over the Loss of a Pet: Yes. Your Feelings are Normal.

In my work as a pet bereavement counselor, I have heard countless grieving pet owners echo the same sentiment:  worry that their intense feelings over the loss of a pet aren’t “normal” or that they’re wrong. Some have even expressed concerned that they’ve “lost their minds” or that their feelings are somehow abnormal or unjustified.

If there is one thing I could share with anyone who is grieving or has grieved over the loss of a pet, it is this: there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief is intensely personal. You may feel overwhelmed, sad, angry, despondent, numb, guilt-ridden, even relieved. It’s all normal. 

And it’s all okay.

My sense is that many people who lose pets are simply shocked by the intensity of their feelings. Perhaps we subscribe to the theory that we should somehow mourn the loss of our human companions more, or that we should be more accepting of the loss of a pet.  That we should somehow understand that pets have shorter lives than humans, and that we shouldn’t be so despondent. That our relationships with pets just aren’t the same. That we shouldn’t hurt so much. That we should be able to bounce back more quickly. That we’re weak or “less than” if we don’t bounce back quickly.

Quite simply, none of those things is accurate. 

Not to put too fine a point on it, but losing a pet sucks.

And there are a number of reasons why, among them:

Pets stake their claims to the real estate in our hearts.

Pets find a way of claiming a huge chunk of real estate within our hearts. Pets, after all, are irresistible. They can be goofy, completely un- self-conscious, playful, adorable, shameless.  What’s not to love?  

After I lost my beloved Garcia, I swore I would never love another dog. Wrong, wrong, and more wrong. Some days when I look at Major, the Old English Sheepdog my husband and I currently share our lives with, I love him so much it hurts. Major truly is my canine best friend (and I tell him that all the time—without shame or apology, I might add.) Love is love. And when one loves deeply, one grieves deeply.

Pets are an important part of our lives and our routines.

 Like many pet owners, Major is an important part of everyday life in our house. My husband and I have a cup of coffee together every morning and brush Major. Major walks out on the front porch with me to retrieve the newspaper every day. We walk the neighborhood 2-3 times a day. I plan my days so that Major receives his chow in a timely fashion. I brush him every night.  And yes—I talk to him throughout the day, every day.  (Do I start every morning telling Major how beautiful he is?  I can neither confirm nor deny that suspicion, but if you guessed “yes,” you’re probably right.)  

What I know is this:  I’m not alone. This is what pet owners do when we share our lives with pets. Naturally, when we lose a pet, it is a huge disruption to every part of our lives—yet another reason why our grief is so intense. The disruption can cause incredible stress in our lives. Nothing is the same.

The sheer happiness pets bring us.

Pets bring so much joy into our lives by being constant, by being so excited to see us, and by loving us unconditionally.  Pets teach us important lessons—living in the moment, not holding grudges, loving so fully and completely—so naturally, the loss of a pet creates a huge void.  

Our pets bring us immeasurable joy. Naturally, losing a pet—and losing the happiness a joy the pet brings—can hit us hard 

Pets bring us such comfort

What is it with pets just somehow knowing how to do the right thing at the right time?  I had this conversation with one of my dearest friends this week.  My friend had just suffered a terrible loss and his beloved dog was right there by his side through it all.  

Pets comfort us when we’re sad, and somehow know how to make even our worst days more bearable.  

A couple of years ago, when I was in the midst of losing my father, I would routinely come home and put my whole face in Major’s soft fur. Major was such a comfort to me during that time. Even though I was so lucky to have a good support system of humans, there were instances where I just felt like I couldn’t bring myself to share my grief with them.  And there was Major to absorb my sadness, to calm my fears, and just be there.

It is only logical that losing that source of comfort could leave us devastated and despondent.

The bond we have with our pets is strong and intense.

Many people consider their relationships with pets closer than those with human family members. Our selves are often tied up in our pets. 

Even though our pets don’t speak to us in words, we come to understand their language. We can communicate so much with pets without words. And there is something incredibly intense, even humbling, about sharing such a special, almost indescribable bond with another creature.  

When we lose a pet, and lose the bond that we cherish, it is natural to feel overwhelmed with grief and sadness. Loss is hard, regardless of whether it is the loss of a human companion, the loss of a job, or the loss of a pet.

The physical contact a pet brings is important.

One of the most physically and emotionally beneficial aspects of owning a pet is the physical contact a pet affords us. Pets typically love affection, and as humans with a need for physical touch, this is a mutually beneficial relationship. I should add that there is really nothing like have a one hundred pound Old English Sheepdog try to curl up in your lap

Pets usually love being petted or stroked, and there have been plenty of instances in my own life where “getting my hands in dog fur” has done much to improve my mood and spirits.

The physical contact we have with a pet is so good for us on so many levels. That contact can reduce stress and strengthen the bond we have with an animal. In addition, studies show that physical contact with a pet can even lower a person’s blood pressure and reduce heart rate.

Naturally, losing a pet and losing the ability to hold, cuddle and touch the pet creates a huge loss for us on many levels.  That loss is one more reason that we grieve so deeply when a beloved pet is gone.  We may seek something to hold on to—grief, anger, guilt—as a substitute for having a pet to hold on to. That is a common—and normal—response to losing a pet.

The uncomplicated relationship

Even though our relationships with our pets are intense, fulfilling on so many levels and rewarding, it is important to note that these relationships are much different than those we have with our human companions. And here’s why:  human relationships are fraught with difficulty, and with conflict. As humans, we’ve all said and done unkind things, we’ve spoken words we wish we could take back, we’ve had conflict with those we love, and we’ve had our feelings hurt, our hearts broken, and our pride wounded by others. 

Pets, however, are different. We may have brief conflict with them—say, for instance, over a pet’s misbehavior—but that conflict is fleeting.  And that conflict doesn’t create emotional distance, as conflict with a human can.

Our relationships with humans may leave us with mixed or conflicting feelings, but our relationships with our pets are typically pretty straightforward. We love them without question, we don’t hold grudges (nor do they) and when we lose them, the pain can be excruciating.  

Never long enough.

I saw a card the other day that may have said it best:  Pets just don’t live long enough. That’s really their only fault.

Isn’t that the truth?  It really is no wonder that losing our beloved, cherished, special best animal companions would leave us so distraught.